I choose you Pikachu

Over the past few weeks in talking (read complaining) about some thing or another involving the natives, I've had the comment "but you chose this". The first time was from an acquaintance I know through a very good friend. I usually feel quite awkward around this person anyway so I just pushed it aside when I didn't know how to respond. The second was from a person I consider a fairly good friend and it stung a little bit.

I'm not one of those people who think everyone should have children. In fact the VAST majority of my friends don't. And I support it 100% with my whole heart. I also don't believe that people who have children are inherently special or different. Having children (biological, adopted, by whatever means) doesn't make one smarter, more loved, wiser, better. It also isn't horrible or awful. I love my Natives. I love them fiercely with the passion and devotion that I find terribly difficult to put in to words. I'm not violent, I jokingly threaten to push people who annoy me down stairs, but in reality I take spiders outside and I check on random strangers on the side of the road, if you seem even slightly hurt Imma go mom mode on you and start triage. However, the second those little boys were placed in my arms I had this overwhelming sensation that I was the eggshell to protect and love them unconditionally for the rest of eternity. If anyone or anything tried to harm them I'd probably have to kill them, no joke. I was like the Grinch on Christmas and I swear my heart physically grew when they were place in my arms. I could feel it.

This love and devotion does not mean that I think my natives are perfect. It does not change that it is hard. It is hard to lose your identity as a person, it is hard to deny things you want to do, it becomes even harder when your natives are acting wild and you feel like it is because you aren't particularly good at the parent thing despite desperately trying to be. I would not change anything about my children other than to make their lives better, easier, more beautiful. But that does not mean I'm not allowed to be frustrated, angry, annoyed, irritated, lost, and left behind. I do not tell my childless friends not to complain about their partners because "you made a choice" I don't tell them not to complain about their jobs because "you made a choice". I don't tell them not to complain about the meal that isn't to their liking because "you made a choice".

Why in the hell do we do this to parents? Do we do it to parents or is it just moms? I had a brick hit me when I read a post from an acquaintance that said "curious if any dads out there have been referred to as working dads?". Its such an ingrained piece of my identity at this point, I'll have to ask Hunter how he describes himself when asked to see if he says I'm a working dad of two boys like I say I'm a working mom. We all make choices, they all have consequences, it doesn't mean we need to shame people for those choices or to expect them to be perfectly happy with those choices all the time. Yep. It was a choice. If presented with the same set of factors on a timeline, I'd make the same choice. Every. Single. Time. There are difficult things we deal with regarding our little natives, I don't trivialize it. It is so very very hard and draining. However the vast majority of the time having them is a beautiful joy that rocks me to my core. T has this giggle he does when he's trying to be sneaky and silly at the same time. The child cannot contain it. You know he's being cute and mischievous immediately because of it. It might be the most beautiful sound ever released into the universe. He has the most expressive little face and snuggles the absolute best. E has an exuberance and excitement for knowledge that is going to get him far. He will "can I tell you a fact" to death (some of these facts are indeed just his crazy wild little imagination, y'all better hope he uses that brain for good and not evil). He is working on being funny like Hunter and it so very cute to watch him emulate his idol. One of my favorite past times is holding my natives while they sleep. To wonder what they dream about. To be in the moment and give them love. I tell them everyday that I love them and that I am proud of them. Every day. I sometimes have to add, even if I am frustrated with you, I still love you and I'm proud of you. So yes, I chose this.

This I love you to the moon and back crap is weak. I tell my natives that I love them to the end of the universe and back an infinite number of times for forever. My love for them is limitless and unconditional, my love for me a little less so. So yes, I have guilt that I can't pretend that life with two boys is perfect, and I can't say that I don't have envy when my friends just go to the beach for a weekend or a hike or a bike ride or a happy hour or insert any thing that might sound a little fun on the spur of the moment. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't choose them over and over again, it just means I'm not perfect and I think that has to be okay.