Just Fake It

I had a difficult time coming up with an idea for a post today. I knew I was going to, normally I have a few ideas baking and then I pull out the one that squeaks the loudest in my brain. I have stuff that is making noise but all of it involves me and some really deep and personal stuff that I'm not really up to putting out into the universe and all (sorry). I told Hunter and he gave me an idea, but it just wasn't flowing out when I tried to write about it. I think it is because it deals with a friendship I'm struggling with right now so it is raw and uncomfortable. I sat down in front of the email to do some work and when I was searching through my old sent emails for something, I noticed some of the emails I sent when I was interviewing for a position that lead to my current position. Yes, I know that sounds confusing.

I wasn't actually looking to change careers until after I finished my certificate program. Graduation and the end of the admissions recruitment cycle line up fairly well and I had more on my plate than I was really going to eat as it was. A colleague told me about an open position that they felt aligned with my skill set. I agreed, but I've been burned before so I didn't expect much when I submitted my application for the position. I think this was around Jan/Feb...not May. Low and behold I got a call to interview...and then I was offered the position. I was going to take it, but my current unit offered to create a position for me that was competitive in salary. I actually really like my students and quite a few of my colleagues so I wanted to stay. Here I was secure in a new position, finishing up a class I really enjoyed, and I even survived the dreaded 40th birthday. Should be a "and she lived happily ever after" thing right?

Well, not so much. You see I sort of feel like I fake it until I make it with just about everything I do. Hence the title of the blog, great song by Seether, but don't listen to it if you are already in the process of mentally beating yourself up. It does get turned up fairly loud in the minivan, cause I'm cool like that. I was pretty good at what I did before. I didn't realize I was good at it, until I started doing something way off from it. Most days I feel like I'm reinventing a wheel, and because this job was created for me (it was a long needed position, it just worked out that I had the skill set and background to fit a need) there's pressure. Not that I ever want to do a bad job, but in this case I need to prove I deserve the opportunity. It takes me so long to do the smallest thing, because I'm learning new systems and new vernacular, and new rules and new new new new. And I don't have anyone to say "hey, am I doing this the hard way or is this just the way" on everything. I don't balk at most challenges. I'm very much so a here hold my beer girl when it comes to taking on work and projects. I like to succeed, more than I can explain. In my workouts if I can't do something I get furious, I tend to want to kick things, like weights and foam blocks. Sometimes I do. Well right now I feel like I'm failing at everything...and there are no foam blocks to kick.

At the gym they've been posting about part time jobs available. And I can't tell you how appealing it sounds. I miss my serving days when, the customers were rude as hell and I had no insurance and no reliable pay, but the job was done at the end of the day and it was stressful but in a high pressure low risk way. I feel like the gym would be similar. I did at least figure out that I don't have the time to add a part time job to my plate as much as I want the extra income, as small as it would be. My current job is low pressure, everyone else seems to think I'm doing okay, but y'all the risk is real and any minute now they are going to figure out that I am drowning in fear I'm going to let everyone down. Back to that other job, that paid almost as well, I would have been a lower cog in a bigger machine. I would have been part of a team, the "whole thing" wouldn't have been on me to figure out and do and create and fix. I'm certainly not saying I regret my choice, because I think long term when I get my feet under me, I'm going to assist in making some really big changes that will help so many students graduate faster with less debt. There will be students who become engineers and computer scientist because I will help in discovering the thing they needed to be successful. What I do regret is throwing myself a curve ball in the middle of a mental crisis (y'all covid, 40, discovering things about myself, and more than I can even begin to tell you...this has thrown me for a damn loop). I'm either going to knock it out of the park, or go down swinging, and only time will tell.