Real Love

Y'all February was a month. It was almost an entire month of 2020 like vibes. Between processing my biological father passing away, trying to work on relationships with Hunter and the Natives, my parents lost two close family friends, work stress, and some dear friends of mine experienced a tragic loss. It just seemed like everyone around me had too much they had to deal with. I found myself being less forgiving of people who weren't kind, supportive, encouraging. Life just felt too short and too fragile. A gym friend suggested I write about not being able to make everyone happy and that not everyone will like you (and you won't like everyone either) and I finally got to a place where I could write again mentally and time wise as well.

You see, I know I can't make everyone happy, but I do try. I take it personal when I think someone is disappointed in me, because I try really really really hard. I hate being a disappointment to myself or to others. My entire life I felt I had to justify that my existence was worth all of the stress and suffering my family went through. I had to prove (in my mind, nowhere else) that I deserved to be here, alive, putting good into the world, being perfect, whatever that means. You read this blog long enough you'll pick up on that theme, the need to be perfect. I will push myself to a breaking point to get something right. I've spent all nighters working on projects, I've gotten frustrated to the point of many many tears because I felt like I couldn't do something physical that I should be able to do (in my mind), I've mentally berated myself for performance reviews that were less than the highest rating. The time I was in an accident I caused because I was too tired from working, going to school and trying to be good enough at home (and I wasn't) I literally sobbed because I thought the car I bought with my own money and paid off on my own was worth more and had more value than my life. I don't hold others to these standards, at most I really just expect people to try. That doesn't make me special, it makes me crazy. You skip a gym day, that's okay, tomorrow is another day try again, do your best you got this. I skip a gym day, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm undisciplined. Because if I fail, I'm a disappointment, I've let someone down, never mind I'm letting myself down by not being kind to me. How can I expect others to be kind to me and like me if I'm cruel to myself and I don't support me? The truth is, I've already had too many people in my life who think I don't do enough. I don't work hard enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not rich enough, I'm not enough. I've had too many people who think I'm too much, too honest, too emotional, too whatever they don't want to deal with. Sometimes its been both, that's fun (eyeroll)

You will always be too much to someone and not enough to someone else. So be you. Love you. Give love to people because you can. Give a smile and a laugh because you can. When the people you love hurt, if they are sad or angry, hold them a little tighter for however long they need. A day, a year, a lifetime, because life is precious, you are precious, and screw anyone that can't take you at your worst and your best, there are people out there who will. So I've started cutting away the bits and pieces that aren't kind and supportive. I want to be around people that believe in me as much as I believe in others around me. I don't want to be called difficult, or unsupportive, too emotional or any of the other things I've let people tear me down with. I try. I try so damn hard. If it isn't enough or if it's too much...sorry. No one has to be in your world, if they don't like it, there's the door. It will hurt. Oh will it ever hurt. But the good news is that there will be those that love you right beside you. There will also be the random people who don't know you well enough to love you, the people who are kind and thoughtful, and uplift you. I'm not saying I need (or even want) perky people around me that sounds like a personal hell to me, but kind, uplifting, you got this bitch kinda people. Those are mine.

The people that great you with a fuck you and hug. The people that pick you up from the airport at 8am with a breakfast bar and an insult with all the love. The people that ask you what do you need, and forgive you for your mistakes even when you don't forgive yourself. Those people. Get yourself some of those and let them shine light and love you and be damned the rest of it. If you made it this far go and listen to Mary J. Blige's Real Love. It's a jam and a half and it always makes me happy.