She's going the distance

Oh boy. It's been awhile. I swear I kept meaning to put together a post. I'd make a really good dinner and think, I need to remember to mention this in the blog. One of the natives would do something cute, or annoying, or amazing and I'd make a little mental note to make a post. I went on a weekend girls trip to celebrate a friend who's getting married this summer and it definitely triggered some mental health stuff and I thought to myself, self put this in the blog and take onus on how this issue makes it difficult not just to make friends, but keep them, and be a good friend. I had my first mammogram (joy...eyeroll) and I had a minor little freakout when they found something they want to check every 6 months. Thought about walking you guys through that mental trip. Notice none of those things made it to the blog.

I think before I mentioned some decently large life things had happened. Some my choice, some not. I'd been floundering for probably half a year for something measureable and attainable for a goal and these life changes made me realize I REALLY needed something before I started spiraling. I've been stuck in this place where I kept saying "I just want to tone up" but I also had this really unhealthy fear of how high the number on the scale was. I had to measure myself for a custom fit dress and I was literally 3 different sizes of dress based on 3 different measurements (the range was a 0 to an 8 if you're interested, and I may have thrown the measuring tape across the room in a rage at the 8). I wasn't ready to cut out dessert and even though I limit myself to one glass of wine or one beer/seltzer with dinner the scale was being a bitch. I toyed with intermittent fasting again but it almost gives me an unhealthy relationship with food and it becomes rewards and punishment rather than something my body needs to survive and I should enjoy.

So I started making lists of things to do that were goal oriented. Some were silly that, while attainable, probably wouldn't have been very fulfilling. Stuff like do an unassisted handstand. I'm 41 years old, shit hurts when you fall...I'm not saying I've given up on this one, I'm just saying it wasn't giving me joy to try so I KonMaried that shit and gave up. Thought about taking pole dancing classes but that costs long term money and time and while I play confident and proud and I do wear the damn shorties, I'm really a shy little kid who's TERRIFIED someone will laugh at her for trying. I went home and cried after people tried to pretend they were being helpful and made fun of my running gait ("but don't you want to get better, I just want to help", while laughing with someone over how stupid I looked), I certainly don't need anyone laughing at my attempt to be beautiful and graceful. Cross fit was on the list and I thought if I got good enough I might try to compete somewhere, but again time, money, another gym and people kept telling me I'd probably get injured. I thought about applying for my Ph.D. but honestly just my certificate program almost ended my marriage. I was burning the candle at both ends trying to be an employee and an mom and a wife and a student but the only thing that was noticed by anyone was what wasn't getting done especially when I took self care time so I don't think I'll tackle that unless I'm single or the kids are older and more self-sufficient or if I win the lottery and don't have to work and can pay for a full time house keeper. Thought about getting a trainer certification but it would just be money spent with no return on investment, it's not like I would have the time or energy to pick up a second job training people much less to hunt down clients to train. One of my gym friends half had me convinced to do a 10k last month. I had a lot of excuses as to why I didn't think I could be ready for it, honestly in my shape I probably could have run it. It would have been slow, I would have hurt like hell, but I can honestly say my body could have made it. Another gym friend jokingly says I'm going to turn into a runner, mainly because I complain about how much I HATE running. She'll say things like, your totally going to run a marathon, I roll my eyes and go back to lifting slightly heavy things. Until last week. She pops up and says, hey wanna run a marathon. And while my brain said fuck no, what came out of my mouth was "sure". The next day she sent me the link to sign up for training. I checked with Hunter if it was okay, he seemed at least encouraging if not enthusiastic or doubting of my ability. So I signed up.

Y'all I found a goal. I'm going to train to run a marathon. Hopefully I'll actually be conditioned to actually run the marathon. It's a measureable goal, its far enough away to give me time to be ready but not so far away that I worry it will be a long term strain on my household responsibilities. While it costs some money to participate, the race is in November so it's not like I'm paying a second gym membership for forever and there is a end goal. This feels smart and healthy (all while my brain is still screaming WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!). I started my pre-training training today. I skipped my mile warm up, did my regular workout, and then rather than doing 10 minutes of cardio...I ran 3 miles. I didn't die. I did get a little bored toward the end of the run but I was on the treadmill by myself so that's not exactly surprising. My shins and calves were on fire, but I ran in my 0 drop shoes I lift in so I should probably put a set of actual running shoes in the bag. I've told others I'm doing this...mainly as a way to hold myself accountable. I don't want to tell anyone I gave up so now there's some peer pressure involved. Everyone that knows I hate running asks "what's the farthest you've ever run?" and I sort of want to reply that the farthest you've run is the farthest you've run until you run a little further...and isn't that what training is but I also know that's my childish brain rebelling against being told I shouldn't be doing something (the answer is 4 miles btw). I'm taking this seriously, I have my training for the 1st month mapped out. The only part I worry about is I know I can't take rest days like the schedule says I should. I can take a light day but other than special events I mentally can't handle rest. So the next time you see me...ask me how training is going. Because I really want to cross that finish line.