Discipline

You know once I start I cannot help myself

Confession, that face was NOT the first face I made taking this workout selfie. I was scowling so hard even I was like...back up Gatherer no one wants to see your attitude today. I was replaying a conversation in my head the more I did, it just made me so angry. When I'm angry, two things can happen, the first is that I can't get out of my head and it fouls up an entire workout (which of course, in turn, makes me MORE angry). The second is I take that pent up mental energy and channel it successfully into a a sweaty, intense, mind-numbing 2 hours of bliss. Thankfully I got option 2 yesterday.

After warm-up, I attempted to tackle this modified box jump. It was the first exercise from training the day before, the trainer didn't like how I was doing it, but couldn't explain what was wrong in a way my brain could process and execute properly. I doubt this is right but I figure with video he can show me exactly where I screwed it up. Let's just say having this go bad in training basically set the tone for that entire workout. Even when we have a rough day, I keep training. Two years ago, I went to the doctor to have tests run because I was adamant I had a thyroid issue. I was gaining weight, I was tired, I was irritable, I just couldn't get out of my fog to want to try. Tests were run, there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me, I was just "getting older" and that the tired and the weight came with that and a slowing metabolism. It wasn't acceptable. I had the Natives to think about, and my mental health was suffering because I was just a boring, tired, blobby thing. I started working out. Just cardio the occasional Zumba class, nothing crazy. I started losing weight, and I thought I was doing pretty damn good.

I started watching the trainers with their clients and decided to start lifting weights...just a little. I would watch and then copy, to the best of my ability, what the trainers were teaching their clients. I started watching workout videos. And more weight came off. I had to buy new clothes, I had to buy new bathing suits. We went on family vacation...I was so proud of how far I had come. I think right about this time I also started fasting, that part was not as good but again was focused on the weight. Covid hit, the gym closed, and I was desperate to get that workout. Hunter had Covid, and I would leave the kids with the electronic devices and just go for a run or a bike to run away for an hour break. I would go to the lake and cry and come home and pretend like I wasn't worried the world was burning down around me and I had no coping skills to work full time, nurse full time, parent full time, educate full time and student part time. Hunter recovered physically from Covid and bought some workout equipment and it kept me from gaining the weight back, we had fun as a family doing things like Just Dance, and it kept us sane(ish).

I got a message from one of the trainers letting me know the gym was opening back up and asked if I would like to come back and incorporate some training in. I said yes, it required no thought. Hunter even trained for a bit. What I noticed right off the bat, within a month, was that I looked better. I looked healthier, more fit. More like I wanted to look. I kept up the training and I got better, the workouts got harder, my drive intensified. It went from I want to lose weight, to I need this for my mental well being and I have expectations from myself and my body. I FEEL better. So even when I have an absolute crap show of a day training, I come back the next day and I work. I push, I demand that I show up for myself. And usually by the next session I'll get a "those look better" and I'm so proud that I pushed myself. I don't know what I'm doing on my own, but having a professional help me and guide me, gives me what I need to reach my fitness goals. I have better balance, strength, self-confidence. I will never have boobs, or a butt, I will never be that hot girl that gets the free drinks at the bar, but my Natives tell me I'm buff and they think its really cool. Maybe one day I'll do a competition or something, but for now personal growth and satisfaction is enough.

So back to that workout from yesterday...

Most of this was from training, I threw in a few old reliables that I like doing just because I like doing them. I promise if you notice anything wrong, the trainer has

already told me and I'm working on it. Those push-ups almost caused a full blown argument because I struggled to do them. You bet your sweet butt I was going to force myself to do them again.

This was by no means the entire workout but I can promise you I felt so much better at the end. Had a good laugh with my gym wife, got into a great groove with the Apple NIN Essentials playlist, and topped it all off with a Sushi Bowl from a local carry out place. Thanks for hanging out to the end of this one.