Harder Better Faster Stronger

Okay not faster, I'm not ever going to be fast or faster at any thing other than finishing my drink. It's been a long time since I've done a decent job of completing a good workout on my own. Today was the day. I've been struggling with body image issues lately because I feel like I've gained too much weight but I don't seem to have the discipline to cut out the booze and desserts. I've been taking small group training or working out with an acquaintance and I spend way too much time reminding others "you can do this, you got it, one more..." you know positive gym shit you say to encourage others. But today was just me. I went in and said a few hellos, chatted a bit through warm up with my buddies, and learned a new exercise...and then I just pushed. I listened to a new-to-me band (not Daft Punk, I've loved them for years, this was a post-modern hard core band that would probably scare people if they knew that's the stuff I listen to when the mood strikes) that I saw on a forum I follow, and it was loud and aggressive but also had great flow. I didn't lift super heavy but I got in this rhythm, the voices got quiet, the rest of the people disappeared, I was sweaty, and had to cut a few things I wanted to do because I had great muscle fatigue shakes. Guys I have a hard time pushing myself to that point, normally I feel resistance from my body and I cut the weight or lower the set number in fear of hurting myself. I hit a personal best on the incline press (373 if anyone cares), my hamstrings were screaming after deadlifts, my arms were shaking after wide grip lat pulls, I barely had the energy to do 3 sets of push-ups and pull-ups but I did them anyway. Before you judge there was way more to the workout but honestly I got so in the zone I can't even remember it all. I've done a few workouts on my own over the past few months, but I wasn't focused, I was doing a workout to workout not to heal my mind and find a release from stress, anxiety, self-doubt all the ugly I had gotten really good at putting into mental boxes and trashcans with a good workout. My hermit ways mean my only real hobby is working out and being mom/wife/employee and this past weekend was the first time I had even left the house for fun for me in about a month. I've ignored group hang out chains because the natives and hunter have had stuff and things I needed to support. And truthfully, I don't think I've been great company so I've sorta just avoided people (more than usual). This weekend was no exception to the Gatherer grump train, I went out, I socialized but hunter can attest when he saw me I was just...sad, melancholy, morose. I felt my age, my weight, my lack of a success, my lack of attractiveness and I've been sitting over here boosting up everyone else around me reminding them they are all great and while I've been hiding in the shower to cry. I went out for a birthday with mostly younger trainers and there's nothing like hanging out with young in-shape people to make you feel like a shriveled-up fat-ass old crow. I went to a good bye celebration for the person I jokingly call my gym wife. She always makes me feel like I'm more than surviving and I'd like to think I remind her she is an incredible human, but she's moving and even at her going away celebration I was in denial. Sunday was a solid ladies brunch but all the ladies are super successful and/or amazing Pinterest moms and I mean, y'all have met me. But that workout...it at least temporarily fixed that inner turmoil.

As good as I feel right now, with these amazing endorphins I feel alive and there's color and sunshine and I believe I can make it through another Mid-Atlantic winter (maybe that's going too far). I've needed my zone, I've needed my sense of self, I've needed that release. I'm not saying y'all should expect perky Gatherer, the only people that get that are my occasional workout partners, but I did make myself a promise today to go back to where this fitness thing started to feel good. Time with me, time where I do what my body and head want to do, and time where I let everything float away. Also I want my summer abs back. I miss them.