I know you seen me on the video (true)

I'm no Lil Kim, but...

I may have started a YouTube channel. Honestly it is more to store the videos I post on this blog so it doesn't eat up my website storage. I've made no secrets about being an introvert. I have people who don't believe me because they confuse introversion and shyness. I'm introverted as hell...shy I am not. Interacting with a large number of people is exhausting, being around a large number of people doesn't phase me. As long as I don't have to talk to all of them I'm fine. I'm not afraid of people or social settings. In fact, I really enjoy socializing in small groups. I love going to Disney, I love going to concerts, but I often feel overstimulated by interacting with others. I NEED time alone. I have people tell me "There's no way you're introverted, I mean you do all this social media stuff now" or "But you have so many friends at the gym, your always saying hi to someone". While I'm not shy, I'm also not rude, so yes I do make friends and acquaintances, but with 99% of those interactions the other person initiated first contact. Guarantee it. I tend to be chatty when I drink, I get a little less in my own head when I've had a glass of vino or 2, and sometimes even my gym endorphins kick in and I'm friendly enough. My newest adventure has me feeling a little timid though. My facebook is mostly personal, everyone on my friends list I've either met or have met someone they are connected with, no randos. My instagram is a little more open, but honestly it is mostly bots and some of my former students turned friends that interact with me there. This blog is easy enough to find on the web but I doubt it is showing up on too many searches. The one that has me nervous as hell....YouTube. I've thrown my workout videos there to save space for when I post them here. I don't really want to pay much more for video hosting when this site isn't really designed to make money (I'm not going to complain if I ever get a legit sponsorship but I don't have a million followers or anything). YouTube feels like anyone can find it...and judge, and tell me how bad my form is, or how I look a little too chunky to wear that outfit (or too old, or too insert judgement here). For some reason I feel so much more exposed with video than I do with a selfie.

I'm always looking for progress, never perfection, so part of me hopes people will comment. I mean I do work with a trainer to tell me everything I'm doing wrong and I expect to be corrected and judged in that interaction. I demand it, and hope to understand the mechanics of my physical abilities and needs through instruction. On the other hand, random people that I don't have trust and respect looking at my body and judging it feels painful. I think its a trust thing, and I think it comes from that introversion thing. I don't mind one person I trust laughing at how awkward I am performing a movement, but all the strangers in the world...nope. But there it is, out in the world for public consumption. If there is any